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| I was at a Bible study. At the end of the session, we talked about our struggles in a small group and I complained about how I am so busy with school work that I keep constantly push Christ out of the center of my life and how I don't spend time reading the Bible or learn about God. Then the leader told me, "maybe setting time to learn about God is not the only thing you can do. This some guy told me just think about what he has done for you or just about anything related to God." That roughly paraphrases what the leader said.
Right now, I should be working on chemistry lab but as I was walking back to my dorm, I was thinking about things God has done for me. Once I got back, I decided not to work on the chemistry lab because I remembered this happy childhood memory and I wanted to share it.
So this was when I was in elementary school around 3rd or 4th grade so around 9-10 years old. That was when I was so into Gameboy and Pokemon. The amount of time I invested in pokemon was roughly 3-5 hours a day, possibly even more. On the occasions when my cousins and I met together, we pretty much would play Gameboy all day, comparing our progress and helping each other to complete missions.
That was also when I started going to church. I didn't really believe back then. The only incentive to go was to hang out and free gifts for the new comers hahaha. I didn't even go weekly but I went long enough that I understood why people prayed; to get what they wanted.
Of course that was my understanding when I was young. But I think many people pray to complete their desires or obtain what they want that are out of their reach. However, I never prayed for what I wanted when I was young, at least I can't remember any. Even if I did, it was probably so insignificant that I didn't really want it or it wasn't a meaningful prayer. But the time when I prayed was when I was in trouble.
There was one day when my mom was so concerned that I spent way too much time playing gameboys so she hid it somewhere I won't be able to find. But I found it anyway haha. It was pretty predictable where she was going hide it. So one day when my mom was gone, I took the gameboy and began playing it where there was large crowd of young boys. Of course, I attracted the crowd with a single machine and I felt pretty good! until out of nowhere, my mom appeared, started yelling at me, and dragged me away.
I was SO scared. Knowing my mom, I knew she would punish me when we get back to home. If you are Korean, you know very well what she was going to do to me and it's not very fun. As I was being dragged by my mom, I begged her not to punish me, solely out of the fear and regret but I clearly knew it wasn't working because she kept quiet. So I gave up. Then I started begging to God, so desperately. I didn't know prayers actually worked back then so when my mom cut me a slack, I thought it was just a miracle or a luck.
Although it's sounds so ridiculous, trivial, and childish, the memory means so much to me. One, that was the first out of countless times God heard my prayers. Two, more importantly, now I realize that God was with me and paid attention to me ever since I was 9 years old. 9 years old! (this helps me understand more how God has plans for people before they were born). Three, most importantly its a reminder of how important praying is, especially to me. God decided to show himself to me through prayers and through that, to glorify himself because now that I understand more about praying, it's not only about asking God for what you want in your life but also about God fulfilling what he wants, glory.
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| There's saying God train you or discipline you so that you mature and grow spiritually. I heard that saying many times from other Christian that it's in my head constantly. But despite constantly thinking about it, I've been complaining just about everything that's going on in my life. In academics alone, I spent hours doing homework, studying in a library, sacrificing a lot of time for socializing and relaxing. But it hasn't improved since the beginning and maybe has gotten even worse. Nothing is working out well and as I tried my best to figure things out and solve my problems, the more disappointment I would get when the results are not what I wanted or expected.
I wanted help. I needed help. I've been going to all the bible studies on campus and church services so that maybe I will catch something that will comfort me or anything that just sounds good so I can stop stressing out.
And I did hear good words from a bible study and from a sermon. Both had the same message (though different passages). Mark 10:17-31. To summarize it shortly, nothing I do will yield the results I want. Even if it does, not permanently. Jesus says to a rich young man, sell everything you have and follow me because nothing is worth pursuing here other than the treasure in heaven and nothing you do will save from your sins. Jesus says follow be but I was so busy trying to solve the problems around me, I unknowingly pushed Christ away from my life. But what I'm so amazed and grateful about is this, "Jesus saw and loved him." When I read the passage about the rich young man very first time, I had no idea why it was there because it was so out of context. But now I know. Jesus loves even the most hopeless person and sinners. Because of that, there is hope. And that was all I needed to be reminded of this week. My life still sucks but I am good.
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| Ok, I'm back from 6 hours long USC football game and I am dead tired right now. So much so that I decided not to take a shower after sweating for 6 hours in the uniform.
But I'm finding myself wanting to write an entry.
Nah.. I'll do it sometime later. haha
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| bring me down. bring me down to the ground.
break me. break me.
so that I only depend on You. only You.
and renew me, cleanse me, I'm filthy.
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| Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, still feel you here till the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch; keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love, not feel your rain.
Set me free, let me be, I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me because I'm fragile when I thought that I was strong
but you touched me for awhile and all my fragile strength is gone
Set me free, let me be, I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
But you're neither friend of foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me doowwwnnnn
You're keeping me down oh~
You're on to me, on to me and all over me..
Something always brings me back to you..
It never takes too long..
Gravity- Bareilles
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